The Incite - Be Proud, Swear Your Heart Out

A breathtakingly expensive report released today points the way forward for the concept of a unified and coherent Britain, capable of meeting the future issues facing this country in a world obsessed with globalization.

After months of deliberation, commissioned at the public expense, the report, written by the ex-attorney general, Lord Goldsmith, outlines several potential policy changes to increase the feeling of being British in a modern, dynamic society. Including, amongst other things, forcing children to swear an oath to the Queen.

The Incite sent resident reporter Legion over to the ex-attorney general's office in America where the powerhouse of legal knowledge now works:

Legion: Good afternoon Lord Goldsmith, thanks for seeing me, I'm sure you are a busy man.

Goldsmith: Yea mofuka I'm goddam doin ma thing here in USA so don be goan dissin me in front of my bitches seen?

Legion: What?

Goldsmith: Sorry, just trying out American speak, trying to fit in you know.

Legion: Right, ok. Look, I've had a read of this report, I'm a bit confused on a few points.

Goldsmith: Really? can't see why, I made it as simple as I could. Maybe it's because I wrote it in the toilet on the plane over here, good political philosophy and a good dump, now that's multitasking that is. It worked for the Iraq report.

Legion: Yes, well, perhaps I could outline some of the things you've written, on ... toilet paper. You state that School-leavers should be encouraged to swear an oath of allegiance to Queen and country.

Goldsmith: Indeed, yes, I felt that it would let the young ones leave school with a sense of 'belonging' after all the years we have spent making them believe that they don't 'belong' what with all the ASBOs we are dishing out and low-level sonic weapons we deployed to make life uncomfortable for them, as well as closing all the youth clubs and sports halls. What better way than to swear an oath to an archaic concept of monarchy that has no power whatsoever other than the power to spend the hard earned money of the, now taxpaying, youth.

Legion: You don't think that they would get a greater sense of 'belonging' by swearing AT the establishment?

Goldsmith: Not at all! besides she's a really lovely lady, well worth committing your life to her, I've met her you know. I think if more youths met her then they would not hesitate to drop to their knees in reverence.

Legion: I would have to say that is questionable to say the least, for example there's probably a number of Muslims out there that would rather drop a bomb on her than drop to their knees, besides, what about the Scottish and Welsh, both parties making comments to the effect that they don't support this idea and it's inappropriate.

Goldsmith: Well that's because they are bloody foreigners and what the hell do they know?

Legion: Right, well, moving on, I also note that you have proposed Creation of a new National Citizens' Corps, whose members could provide advice to others on training and development in citizenship. I note that you haven't defined what exactly citizenship is?

Goldsmith: Of course not, far better to set the thing up first, and let everyone else decide what is and is not citizenship and act accordingly, for example some of the advisory groups may decide that burning Asians is good citizenship, or it's good citizenship to rob the bollocks of the next street. Of course the Daily Mail will report the problems and the Government will have to step in and tell everyone what is good and bad, people can't be trusted you know.

Legion: well, taking that in context of youth pledges of allegiance and this idea of 'advisory' groups, and this recent Government idea of secret unpaid civilian police, is it not the case that this smacks of the same type of nationalism previously seen in Nazi germany?

Goldsmith: Good idea ! In fact, what with ID cards and all we could bring such a concept into reality, only this time we can manage it better than Germany did because we have the internet and millions of cameras. Hmm this is a good development, I'll have to write it down, do you have any toilet paper?

Legion: No, look, you've made several references to reducing things like council tax and student fees if people volunteer for things.

Goldsmith: Yes I was a little unhappy with the idea that we should be giving money back to people so I'm leaning more heavily toward the idea of the special volunteer day where an obscure royal is dragged out to present prizes to people who volunteer the most. Like shopping car tax dodgers to the law or spying on their neighbours to see if they are putting paper in the plastic section of the recycling bins. That being said I still like the idea of students volunteering to do stuff like clean streets and suchlike.

Legion: Instead of studying?

Goldsmith: Well yes, of course. Happy to see the little buggers picking up McDonalds wrappers, gives em practice for their first job doesn't it.

Legion: Can't quite see how anyone would want to 'belong' to that, it's akin to slave labour really. And to be honest what's this about companies getting a title for making their staff do stuff for the community?

Goldsmith: Yea good one that, why belong to a dynamic commercial environment when you could be cleaning graffiti from the walls. Much Kudos there I think.

Legion: Really, what do the people get out of it?

Goldsmith: Satisfaction that their company has a snazzy new title telling the world that they managed to get their employees off their arses selling products or making products and onto the streets with bin bags and buckets.

Legion: Anything else?

Goldsmith: No just the title, we'll write it on posh paper though.

Legion: Just out of interest, how do you respond to people who are clearly angry that the person who rewrote his original legal position on the Iraq war from no bloody way can you do this, to a few sides of oh go on then causing the deaths of countless thousands of people, and then compounding this level of insanity by stopping a criminal investigation into bribery, should have any right to make statements about good citizenship, let alone be paid for it.

Goldsmith: Well I would say I respond with fuck off and look at my wad looser.

Legion: Look, not being funny but is this all you came up with for the inordinate price we will have paid you?

Goldsmith: Oh heavens no, I did write up ideas about strengthening payments for people who are currently looking after someone else full time, increasing investment in sports and activities for children, rebuilding the arts and museums, restoring dilapidated community centers, employing people to properly clean the streets and investment in sink area regeneration.

Legion: So, err, where is that?

Goldsmith: Oh, the plane was coming into land and I had to wipe my arse.