Olympic Fools Gold

In a shock announcement today the sports Minister Tessa Jowell demanded that all participating nations should do their best to not win gold in any events. Ms Jowell announced that

"All nations need to show unity in the Olympics and we feel that, in accordance with Labour policy, there should be no winners in our Olympics. After all we don't want to confuse the children of this nation who, for years, we have been telling that there is no such thing as winners, just everyone holding hands and hugging. We think that the time is right for the world to see our commitment to homogenization and support us by not winning any golds at the Olympics in London."

In a later interview with our reporter Legion the Minister was further questioned:

Legion: "Well Minister, thank you for coming along, it's quite a request to make...."

TJ: "It's not a request!"

Legion "Oh, a what then, a demand?"

TJ: "An order!"

Legion: "Oh, right, bit full of our own self importance aren't we?"

TJ: "Anyone who tries to win a gold will be, dealt with."

Legion: "Look, your initial statement claiming it's for the kiddies.."

TJ: "Think of the kiddies."

Legion: "That's not washing you know. Isn't it the case that the real reason because we haven't got any gold and we don't have enough money to buy gold to make the medals ourselves and the projected costs of the event are unattainable?"

TJ: "Umm, what I think is important is that the kids have nothing to aspire for and.."

Legion: "That wasn't the question."

TJ: "I don't understand the question"

Legion "Well, our beloved PM sold the nations gold in 1999 at a rock bottom price of $275 an ounce compared to the current prices of nearly $1000 an ounce, loosing the nation $9 billion."

TJ: "Yes, but I must press the point that the kiddies are special."

Legion "Well, they will have to be, they've already lost out on $300 each.

TJ: "Yes, no gold means no physical gold medals, and of course we are already looking pretty stupid in the world and buying back at 256% above what we sold it at would just confirm a few ideas the world is having about us."

Legion" What, like the PM has all the fiscal ability of a fucking tellytubbie?"

TJ: "Tellytubbies are special, for the children, think of the children"

Legion: "Would appear that tellytubbies aren't the only thing that are special. Look even if we wanted to buy gold in for the medals, we can't afford it, the Olympic cost is projected at twice your original proposal."

TJ: "Huh, that's what they say."

Legion: "Well, it's a pretty concise report from The Public Accounts Committee."

TJ: "Well, they are wrong. When Ken Livingston and I met we spent a whole hour and a half on the initial projection. Over a rather nice Chablis if I remember correctly."

Legion: "But the report says that you have drastically underestimated the amount by half the actual cost."

TJ: "I think we were on the fourth bottle by the time we finalised the figures. And then there was the spag bol."

Legion: "What?"

TJ: "I spilt spag bol on the key areas of the report like security and private sector involvement so we had to make some of it up at the end."

Legion: "You made it up?"

TJ: "Well, yes, we had been at it for an hour and we were quite pissed."

Legion: "But how could you have even guessed so badly?"

TJ: "Well we didn't take into account that half the world coming over here would want to bomb the crap out of us and so we have to beef up security."

Legion: "But the private sector involvement, apparently there's only one tender for the actual building of the stadium and nobody else can be arsed."

TJ: "Well I'm sure Bob will be fine."

Legion: "Bob?"

TJ: "Yes Bob from number 5, he's the contractor."

Legion: "Bob the contractor?"

TJ: "Yes that's him, he's going to do it for a tenner provided we don't mind him taking tea breaks, says he'll be round on Tuesday or Wednesday if his back clears up."

Legion: "Look, what do you say to the accusation that this is shaping up to be the biggest cake and arse party this country has had in full view of the world, and in all probability the Olympic comittee decided to kick us in the balls by choosing us to host it?"

TJ: "ehoh?"