Ejucashun our number 1 priority! - 04 March 2004

In an interview with Ruth Kelly, Chief High Inquisitor of the ministry of re-education, stated “We, in this government believe in putting people first. We believe in offering radically expensive, unreachable, and tripe-like solutions to a simple problem. Then, we divorce ourselves completely from the process and leave someone else with the mess. In this case of course it’s the parents. We at the ministry would like to empower those that we feel don't matter, we call this exciting concept ‘Parent Power™’, although when we put it to the teachers union they called it bollocks.“

Ms Kelly further added that “Parent Power™ is about giving the people, real people, the illusion of having choice over how their childs' education will be run. We have a whole raft of bollocks that needs to be put into place to try and justify my budget before the election so we can claim increased investment in education. We just need simple people to take the rap for the inevitable social and economic train wreck this is going to cause. We did try to convince the teachers that this was the way forward, but fuck me they are intelligent and thought it was useless, so we switched focus to the parents”

"I mean it's fairly obvious we've screwed things up here and we've got to dig ourselves out of a hole. So in this instance we'll just remind people that the reasons their kids are no use  when they leave school isn't because of our insane policies, rather some choice that they made about their kids education, like the wrong carrots for lunch or something. "

"God I'm good."

“Basically we have found that the current curriculum is too crowded and we think this is taxing the kids which we don’t intend to do until they are about  11  years old so we need to reduce it by about half. So, we will be reducing the time spent on certain subjects such as math, English, and science so that we can allow for more time to concentrate on a focused method of teaching where each pupils needs are catered for on an individual basis. We anticipate that the best approach to achieve this will be to remove the word 'The' and the number '0' from all texts and maths books, this should give us a 37 percent reduction the size of all the text books . We save money, and because your kids don't have to remember as much we will see an increase in pass rates at the same time."

"Jesus I'm on a fucking roll. ”

 “Of course, to assess what the pupils needs are we will be introducing a whole bunch of 'consumer-feedback' tests. The pupils will be able to take them in the afternoons, which luckily have become free now we  have reduced math, science, and English although we do understand that the removal of English words could well lead to a reduction in the ability to understand a question and articulate an answer. So, we will modify the tests to simple multiple choice with all answers conforming to the 'Yes, No' answer model. We also intend to capitalise on a reduction in testing requirements by passing the 'consumer-feedback'  tests to the A-Level maths students to mark as part of their coursework. Also, understanding that we have removed the word 'The' and the number '0' could impact the A-level student results, the method of marking will be a simple question:

 "Do you think answers look ok

 a: YES b:NO. "

"I've just come in my pants. I'm a sodding genius I am."

After this announcement and others from the Prime Minister regarding school reforms, head teachers got together to issue a response, quoted as being "It really is bollocks isn't it."