ID Cards – Your defence against Fraud/Terrorism/Illegal Immigration/Bird Flu/Car Accidents/<insert fear of your choosing> Found to be a cause of obesity shock.

 Recent studies by people with a brain have discovered a potential danger hidden within the ID card system when associated with the Child trust Fund launched by Labour. The potential timebomb presenting future generations being that of a significant contribution to obesity. A rising outcry at this potential situation has lead senior analysts to produce a statement in support of the issues that have been noted. In the damning report it outlines the issue at hand:

 ‘There is a clear link between the ID card system, Child trust funds and obesity. Under analysis it has been shown that the Government gives children £250 so that when they are old enough to realize the 18 years interest, they will receive about £450 total. However, the new legislation for ID cards will be in force when they get to age of responsibility. Which, priced by the government at the moment is £92, given their reputation for underestimating policy implementation by half the conclusion is that it will cost £180 on launch. When incorporating inflation it will be about £404 in 18 years. Giving a net return on the investment of £46, however it can't be forgotten that it will be law to attend the very important 200 question session needed to get the ID card. Under analysis it was felt that it would be required to take a taxi as missing one of those now it's a £2500 fine by then it will be £5617. The price of the taxi should be about £40 for a moderate journey across town otherwise the only recourse would be to put a kidney on ebay. This we assess will leave grand total left of £6 which is anticipated to be the price of a BigMac meal 18 years from now.

So it is anticipated that the real return on the Govenments investment for the individual will be:

A piece of plastic.
A complete loss of freedom.
Obesity. ‘

To clarify the situation The Incite sent a reporter to talk to a senior spokesman within the Home office, the following transcript is provided:

Legion “Good afternoon and thank you for your time, I would like to open this interview by questioning why we are having an ID card itself?”

Home Office “A very good question indeed, and one we get asked a lot ourselves, indeed one we ask ourselves ourselves. However, the benefits of the ID card are numerous, it is intended to provide every citizen with the ability to prove who they are without doubt and we are very confident that it will dramatically cut benefit fraud and that is a good thing isn’t it?”

Legion “Well, that’s questionable isn’t it, I mean  it’s been proved that the ID card information can be cracked even before it was launched and so it’s not secure and has been described as a one-shop-stop for any criminals who need an ID. Given that it appears to be flawed in terms of determining who someone actually is that seems to be an invalid claim yes?”

HO “Well yes but we have found a way to address that issue, we will insist that anyone applying for benefits has their passports, driving licenses, birth certificates and  a note from their mum with them as well as the ID card”

Legion “I see, but isn’t it the case that benefit fraud isn’t committed primarily by people pretending to be someone else, rather it is by someone lying about their circumstances?”

HO “Yes, that is correct, however we have strengthened our position on this by including a new concise interview technique at the benefit office.”

Legion “which is?”

HO “We intend to ask them if they are lying about their circumstances.”

Legion “Well, so the ID card isn’t to stop benefit fraud is it?”

HO “Well, seeing as you put it that way, no”

Legion “Well none of that is really addressing the usefulness of an ID card, is there anything else where it may be beneficial?

HO “Yes indeed there are many applications, another and very important aspect would be in countering terrorism.”

Legion “How?”

HO “Well, if we know who everyone is then they can’t be a terrorist can they, I mean nobody is going to commit acts of terrorism if they know that we have their name on a database will they?”

Legion “Well, to take the instances of suicide bombing for example, I don’t feel that those who do that would particularly give a damn would they?”

HO “No this is true, however it would save time in finding out who it was that did it and that saves police time which saves people money.”

Legion “But it doesn’t actually help those that have been killed does it?”

HO “Ahh, well, there we have again come up with a contingency that we feel will justify the expense of the card, we feel that the card would be better designed if it were capable of connecting at the edges, much like Lego does. In this manner, should a group of people hear someone shouting a slogan, I don’t know such as “die Infidels die”, or “wallow in the blood of your own capitalism you scum”, or “God is great now die you unclean pigs!” Then all those present can whip out the id cards and connect them together to form a huge plastic shield.”

Legion “And that will protect them will it?”

HO “No, but it will mean that all the dead can be very easily identified from the handy collection of ID cards all in one place, saves money see.”

Legion “But given that they will all be dead, it’s not in essence protection against terrorism is it?”

HO “No, but ID cards WILL stop illegal immigration by making it impossible for anyone who is here illegally to work anywhere.”

Legion “I see, now given that if someone is here illegally and are probably working somewhere where the boss doesn’t give a toss if the person is illegal because they work like dogs for a bag of spuds. And given that it is also the case that the people doing the people trafficking will have provided forged ID documents from countries to the immigrants that have no access to a UK database how does it work?

HO “Well, we feel that because all the UK citizens will have one of these ID cards then the illegal immigrants will feel left out, sort of not invited to the club sort of thing, you know, your names not on the list so you can’t come in and they will be all like embarrassed and go home muttering how they could have taken them if they weren’t so big and besides there was three of them. Look, right, we will just like have huge fines for people who employ illegal immigrants”

Legion “But isn’t it the case that areas such as Cornwall practically can’t survive without the low wage labour that is brought by these people because UK citizens won’t work for a bag of spuds and if they left then the whole County would collapse?”

HO “Yes but we have to be firm otherwise we will have the Daily Mail all over our arses between the wine of the month column and the Mails reader offer of elastic waist pants, we couldn’t have that.”

Legion “But you already have punitive fines for employers who have illegal immigrant staff and yet there are no prosecutions.

HO “Yes, well that’s because the immigrants they employ all have papers from other countries which we can’t check up on.”

Legion “So the UK population carrying cards won’t make a difference then?”

HO “No, but don’t forget it WILL protect against bird flu”

Legion “Jesus, how?”

HO “Well you could hold it in your hands and wave it erratically when walking outdoors, that will scare the little buggers away, no contact with birds means no bird flu see?”

Legion “Well, if it bothered you that much and the method so effective then a library card will serve just as well?”

HO “Yes I suppose it would but the little chip in it will catch the sun and make you look even more scary to a sneezing sparrow”

Legion “But a library card would do the job all the same so no use for an ID card really?”

HO “No, but it definitely will reduce road traffic accidents”

Legion “God, I’m going to regret this, how?”

HO “Well on really cold mornings you can use it to scrape the ice of your car windscreen.”

Legion “A £92 ice scraper?”

HO “YES! That’s the spirit, and I believe you can buy a burger with the change you know.”

Legion “fuck      off”